Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon
by Chaotic Pyro
Summary: Its Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon! Chapter twelve is here! Wheeeeee! Read it or die! :D
1. Drinking Contest

I got this idea while at school today....enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from Trigun, as much as I'd like to....I simply own the idea for the story. ^_^  
  
Happy Hour at The Gunsmoke Saloon Chapter One: Drinking Contest  
  
It was Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon. Villains and heroes alike were enjoying themselves. Wolfwood was playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" with Millie, and Meryl and Knives were having a staring contest. Vash was also busy....having a nice chat with E.G Mine.  
  
"So how d'you get through doors with all that armor? And why are spikes your weapon....what are you, a porcupine? And WHY is your hair GREEN!?!" Vash asked seriously.  
  
".....Vash?" -_-  
  
"Yes?" ^_^  
  
"Shuddup."  
  
Vash muttered about stupid green-haired porcupine wannabes and walked off to watch Legato and Caine's drinking contest.  
  
Knives' eyes were watering. Even worse than the time Vash stole his favorite rubber ducky when they were kids! And people, that's pretty bad. He had to blink. He just HAD too. And so he did. Meryl punched a fist in the air.  
  
"Haha! I win again, Knives!!"  
  
"Best 2 out of 3?" He asked hopefully.  
  
"No way, I beat you 7 times now! Pay up already!" Meryl glared at him. Knives gulped. Sure, he was a plant and he could kill countless humans at once...but Meryl was just plain SCARY. He muttered obscenities under his breath and handed her the money. He got up and walked off to see what his brother was doing. Wolfwood cheered from the corner.  
  
"I WIN!"  
  
".....uhh...Wolfwood...that's not where the tail goes...." Midvalley pointed out. Wolfwood looked from behind the blindfold.  
  
"Whoops.....sorry, Knives...." Knives twitched, and ran around screaming until someone pulled the tail OUT of his....well, y'know. ^_^  
  
"..........?"  
  
A quite drunken Legato poked a finger in Caine's face.  
  
"Oh YEAH, Caine??? Well I bet master Knives can beat you," Legato slurred. He had just had a drinking game with Caine, and had unfortunately lost.....poor Legato....but we still love him. ^_^  
  
".....Yeah.......he does......haha." Legato said, agreeing with the voices in his head.  
  
"...................?"  
  
"DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MISTER!!!!" Legato yelled, throwing a punch at Caine and hitting Vash instead.  
  
"Damn it, Legato! Watch where you're aiming!!" Vash whined, holding his nose.  
  
"............!!"  
  
"YOU DARE SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER?!?!!" Legato yelled at Caine.  
  
"......^_^....!!"  
  
"SHE DID NOT!!!!!" Legato yelled, a vein twitching on his forehead.  
  
"..........?!?!?!"  
  
"Thats it, Caine. Master Knives is gonna kick yer ass!!" Legato yelled at the mime/gunman. Knives, who was now tail free, glared at Legato.  
  
"What the hell, Legato.....I thought you said you went to that AA meeting...." Knives said, glowering.  
  
"No way, man. No way." Legato said, actually SMILING. O.o!!  
  
"......you're wasted......" Knives muttered.  
  
"Hee hee."  
  
"Legato, shuddup."  
  
"But I just wante--"  
  
"Shuddup!!"  
  
"But Caine said my moth--"  
  
"SHUDDUP!!!"  
  
"Y'know....I'm only having some fu---"  
  
"SHUDDUP, LEGATO!!!!"  
  
"...............!!!"  
  
"I AM NOT, CAINE!!" Knives yelled at....Caine...O.o  
  
"Knives?" Vash asked.  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
"...uh....how can you tell what he's saying?..." Vash said, pointing at Caine.  
  
"....I....don't...KNOW....O.o!" Knives said, staring at his brother.  
  
".................!"  
  
"CAINE!!! DON'T BAD MOUTH VASH!!!" Knives yelled.  
  
"What did he say?????" Vash yelled. Knives took Vash aside and whispered something in his ear. Vash's eyes widened.  
  
"I DO NOT!!!! THATS IT MIME-BOY!! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!!!" Vash yelled, drawing up a stool at the bar. He glanced at Legato, who was suddenly behind the bar and wearing a bartenders outfit.  
  
"Legato."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Hit me." Vash commanded. Legato smacked him in the head with a tray.  
  
"OW!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" Vash yelled, holding his skull.  
  
"...you said hit you...."  
  
"NOT THAT KIND OF HIT, YOU MORON!!! I MEANT POUR ME A DRINK!!!" Vash yelled, glaring at the telepathic....eh....telepath.  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm cutting you off."  
  
"What?!?!" Vash yelled.  
  
"You heard me. I'm cutting you off. You've had enough." Legato replied.  
  
"But I haven't even had ONE yet!!!!" Vash said, getting more and more annoyed.  
  
"You're not driving home are you?" Legato asked.  
  
"What?..." -_-  
  
"You can't drive home in that condition..."  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!" Vash shrieked. "ONE: I haven't even had anything to drink yet. And TWO: I DON'T HAVE A CAR!!!"  
  
"A likely story, but I thin--"  
  
"JUST POUR THE DAMN DRINK!!!" Vash yelled, a vein popping out of his forehead.  
  
"Sheesh.....fine..." O.o  
  
Legato filled his shot glass with Rum. And if *you* don't drink Rum in shot glasses, well, *they* do...so ha. Then Legato filled Caine's glass. Vash drank, Caine drank. Refills. Vash drank, Caine drank. Refills. And so it went until they got to their 40th glass each.  
  
"Ohhh Kniiiiiivesy????" Vash asked, giggling slighty. He had one arm around Caine and was wearing an orange and green striped tie around his head. Knives twitched.  
  
"Knivesy?" -_-  
  
"Haha...yeah....Caine said that your ugly and your mother dresses you funny..." Vash said, laughing hysterically.  
  
"......^_^....."  
  
".....What?" Knives twitched again.  
  
"Hey Knivesy....Since when d'you have a twin?" Vash asked, seeing double.  
  
"Vash...you're my twin..." .  
  
"I HAVE A BROTHER?!?!" Vash yelled.  
  
".......^_^....."  
  
"Caine, shut up." Knives commanded.  
  
"....-_-....."  
  
Vash pointed and laughed at Caine, then passed out, his eyes all.....swirly. @_@  
  
Ok, this was just the first chapter. If people like it, then I'll keep writing. Review please! ^_^ Later, much.  
  
~Pyro~ 


	2. Piñata of DOOM

Well now. I got reviews!!! I love you, reviewers...^_^ I stayed home sick today.....gyah I feel like crap right now....so I wrote chapter two because I was rather bored. So on to Chapter Two!  
  
Disclaimer: Guess what? I own NOTHING from Trigun. But I do own the pinata.....the random shower....AND the creamed spinach.  
  
Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon Chapter Two: Piñata of DOOM  
  
When we last left the Gunsmoke Saloon, Vash had passed out...well....what d'you expect? Honestly? I mean, one can only take SO MUCH alcohol.....As for Caine.....well.....he's a MIME!!! He was obviously going to win.  
  
Knives shook his head at his brother.  
  
"Vash, this is the third time this week! I would've thought by now you know you can't beat Caine. I mean....HE'S A MIME FOR GOD SAKE!" Knives said, pointing at Caine who was trapped inside an invisible box and trying to get out. Vash twitched slightly.  
  
Legato yelled to Knives across the room.  
  
"Hey Knivesy! We found a piñata!!!"  
  
"Knivesy?!?! Not you too, Legato." Knives muttered and ran off to join him, Millie, and Wolfwood.  
  
"Oooh, I wonder what's inside!!!" Millie said, clapping her hands.  
  
"Hot dogs!!!" Legato yelled.  
  
"Cigarrettes!" Wolfwood said, grinning.  
  
"New weapons of torture and pain?" Knives asked hopefully.  
  
"Pudding..." Millie said, smiling.  
  
"Donuts!!" Vash yelled, jumping in the middle of the group. Knives shook his head again.  
  
"...............!"  
  
"EW CAINE! THATS DISGUSTING!!" Vash yelled.  
  
".......^_^......."  
  
"Hey Vash?" Wolfwood asked.  
  
"Huh?" Vash answered.  
  
"Didn't you....pass out?"  
  
"Yeah.....your point?"  
  
".....never mind...." -_-  
  
"Well, lets crack it open already!" Knives said impatiently.  
  
"Ok! You go first, Knivesy!" Vash said, putting a blindfold over his brothers eyes. He handed him a bat and stood back. Knives whacked at the piñata.  
  
"DIE COLORFUL PAPER MACHE ANIMAL OF DOOM!!!!"  
  
*CRACK*  
  
"OW!!!" Legato yelled.  
  
Knives lifted up the blindfold.  
  
"....heh....whoops....."  
  
"Uh....maybe we should let someone else go....Millie?" Wolfwood handed her the bat after wrestling it from Knives. She was about to swing at it when she burst into tears.  
  
"I can't hurt it! Its so cuuute!!!" She sobbed.  
  
".....ugh. Foolish woman. GIMME THAT!!" Legato took the bat from her and whacked at the piñata with all his might. Unfortunately he let go of the bat and it went flying, hitting Meryl in the head.  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Meryl turned slowly, glaring at Legato. One eye was twitching in a You're- So-Dead sort of way.  
  
".....shit...." Legato backed away slowly.  
  
"DIEEEE!!" Meryl yelled, tackling him. They tumbled out the doors. Everyone stared at the doors for a few moments, listening intently.  
  
"Meryl?...W-what are you gonna do with that bat?......."  
  
"DIE PSYCHO BOY!!!!"  
  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Legato screamed. Everyone winced. A few seconds later Meryl reentered the bar, dusting herself off. Legato limped back in after her.  
  
"Legato?....Where's the bat?" Midvalley asked.  
  
"......You don't wanna know." He said sitting down slowly and wincing in pain. Everyone shuddered.  
  
"Uh......Vash, your turn." Knives said, handing him a new bat. Vash whacked at the piñata, making a huge crack in its head.  
  
"One more hit should do it!" Vash said, getting ready to swing.  
  
"Hey! I didn't get to go yet!!!" Wolfwood complained. He seized the bat from Vash and whacked it with all his might. The piñata began to split apart.....and inside was.....  
  
25 pounds of creamed spinach!!!!  
  
Unfortunately since poor Wolfwood was standing right underneath the piñata, he was hit with the nasty, disgusting, but good-for-your-colon mess. He stood there in shock, twitching. Knives and Legato fell to the floor laughing. Everyone one else just stared.  
  
"This....smells....so....DISGUSTING!!!!" Wolfwood ran off to find a shower, a change of clothes, and his poor injured pride.  
  
Knives got up from the floor, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.  
  
"Well....that was amusing......who wants to play strip poker?" He grinned. ^_^  
  
"Me!"  
  
"I will!"  
  
".........!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
Wolfwood stuck his head out from a random shower that appeared from no where.  
  
"Count me in, guys!" And he resumed getting the creamed spinach from his hair.  
  
"......hey Knivesy?" Vash asked.  
  
"......what...." Knives muttered.  
  
"How d'you play poker?"  
  
"VASH! ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY POKER?!!" Knives yelled.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ugh." X_X  
  
I kinda thought this chapter wasn't that good.....I dunno maybe its just me. But please review! Oh, and the more reviews the quicker the next chapter comes out. I have 4 days off from school this week. ^_^  
  
Next Chapter....well, you'll see.....hehe. *whistles innocently*  
  
~Pyro~ 


	3. Strip Tag

All righty. Time for Chapter Three. BUT FIRST, I would like to personally thank these reviewers:  
  
Pico The Great  
  
Tearron Walker  
  
CaptainMurphysMistress  
  
Saz-2: you reviewed twice, so you get SPECIAL THANKS!! ^_^ *hug*  
  
Disclaimer: I own not one thing from Trigun....except Knives......but then again......that was just a dream......So....yeah I own nothing.  
  
Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon Chapter Three:  
  
Wolfwood shook his wet hair out of his face. He quickly changed and ran off to join the others in a nice game of Strip Poker! So he walked into the bar.  
  
"Ow. Who left this bar here?" He muttered, throwing it aside. Then he walked into the saloon, muttering to himself. (heh........couldn't resist......)  
  
"Vash, if you don't know how to play poker, YOU CAN'T PLAY!" Knives said, sticking out his tongue.  
  
"Meeeerrrryyyllllll......make him stttttooooppppp!" Vash whined. Meryl cracked her knuckles and glared daggers at Knives. Knives gulped.  
  
"W-what do you s-suggest M-meryl?" He asked, petrified of the short, angry woman.  
  
"Vash?" Meryl asked, turning to him. Vash smiled his lovable, dopey grin.  
  
"I wanna play Strip Tag!!" He said, grinning.  
  
"......Strip....tag?...." Knives asked.  
  
"Oh, that sounds fun!" Millie laughed.  
  
"Yeah let's play that!" Legato said.  
  
"Huh?" Wolfwood asked. I mean, he DID just walk in.  
  
"We're gonna play Strip Tag!" Vash exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, I've heard of that!" Wolfwood said.  
  
"You have?!" Vash asked.  
  
".......no......How d'you play?" Wolfwood asked.  
  
"The rules are simple, dear friend. If you get tagged, you must remove an article of clothing and your 'It!'" Vash said.  
  
"So who's it?" Meryl asked.  
  
"I piiiiiick....LEGATO!!" Vash said, running off to the other side of the saloon. Everyone scattered. Legato chased after the nearest person, which happened to be Knivesy!!!.....uh Knives. ^_^  
  
And so he tagged him.  
  
"Damn it." Knives muttered. He wasn't too keen on undressing in front of EVERYONE, so he pulled off a shoe.  
  
"Pfft. Be more daring, Knivesy!" Vash yelled from the corner. Knives glared. Only one thought crossed his mind now: Get Vash. So he chased down his brother.  
  
*POW*  
  
"Owwww! Knivesy! That hurt!!" Vash whined. He took off his trench coat.  
  
"Oh...and *I'm* not daring enough?!?" Knives yelled, running off. Vash turned and spotted Meryl. He GRINNED....in a perverted Vash-type sort of way, of course. Meryl saw this and ran....FOR HER LIFE....er....CLOTHES! But unfortunately no one is a match for The Humanoid Typhoon himself. He jumped in the air and landed directly in front of her, and tagged her shoulder. Then he stood there, waiting for her to take something off.  
  
And of course, she took off her shoe. Then she smacked Vash in the side of the head with it.  
  
"How could you be so cold?...." He asked tearfully. Meryl ignored him and ran off after Wolfwood.  
  
*THUNK*  
  
"Oww....Meryl....you didn't hafta hit me with your shoe!" Wolfwood whined. He pulled off his shirt and ran off after....MILLIE!!  
  
"Mr. Wolfwood, I'm not in the mood for sandwiches right now...." She said when she saw his non-shirt-ness.  
  
"Uh.....your 'It.'" He said tagging her.  
  
"Ooooh." She said taking off her shoe and running after Legato. Suddenly, this story got extremely good budgets and EVERYTHING TURNED SLOW MOTION! Millie jumped into the air and threw her shoe at Legato. But, he leaned back in slow motion, and dodged the shoe in the nick of time!  
  
Audience: Ooooh.....Aaahhhh...  
  
I have an audience?!?!......woah......  
  
Legato (who was now wearing sunglasses in a "Matrix" type way) then flew into the air to meet Millie. After a few moments of heavy Kung-Fu action in which everyone stopped to stare, Legato was tagged. So he took off his overcoat thingy and ran after....Knives again!!!  
  
"I'VE ALREADY BEEN TAGGED!!! LEMME ALOOOOONEEE!!!!" Knives tried to run faster, but was no match for Legato's psychotic speed! He was soon tackled to the ground....ouch...shamed by a human...  
  
"Ow. Legaaaaatooooooo!!" He whined. He took off his other shoe. SUDDENLY a mass of rioting fan girls swarmed into the saloon. They spotted Knives, Legato, Wolfwood and Vash missing some clothing and assumed they *wanted* their clothes ripped off.  
  
Cries of pain from the poor gunmen were heard above the squealing of the fan girls and tearing of clothes.  
  
"IT BURNS!!!"  
  
"MOMMIIIIEEEE!!"  
  
"GYAH! THATS NOT CLOTHES YOU'RE TEARING AT!!!"  
  
"NOT THAT!!! I NEED THAT!!!!"  
  
Everyone stared. O.o  
  
And with that, the mass of rioting fan girls left in a cloud of dust to return to the bowels of hell from whence they came. ^_^  
  
When the dust cleared, Legato could be seen on the floor, rocking back and forth and muttering to himself wearing nothing but boxers with hotdogs on them and a sock. Vash was hiding under a table, with half of his shirt and his boxers. Wolfwood was hiding in the chandelier on the ceiling. Both shoes were gone, but he still has his pants. Meryl looked around.  
  
"Uh...anyone seen Knives?" She asked. There was a small squeak from the corner. There was Knives, hiding behind the bar. He had not been as lucky as the others and was COMPLETELY devoid of clothes. Ah, poor, poor Knivesy. And since this rating is only PG, he was holding a tray over anything that might be considered above the PG rating. He jumped into a random phone booth to change.  
  
Wolfwood pointed and laughed, but of course, the chandelier broke, so he came crashing down on top of Caine.  
  
"......X_X......."  
  
"Whoops, sorry Mime-Boy." Wolfwood said, getting up and dusting himself off. He looked around for his shirt.  
  
"Hey.....where's my shirt?!?!" He yelled.  
  
".......^_^......"  
  
"WHAT D'YOU MEAN YOU SOLD IT TO A FAN GIRL FOR 10 BUCKS?!?!" Wolfwood yelled at Caine.  
  
"..........!!"  
  
"I don't care, Caine! THAT WAS MY LAST SHIRT!!"  
  
".....O.o?...."  
  
"Well, I guess so........."  
  
".........!...."  
  
"It's not like I WANT to walk around all day with no shirt!!!"  
  
"Mr. Wolfwood, I just made some sandwiches." Millie said, smiling. He grinned and they walked off together.  
  
"..................."  
  
"You said it, Caine." Vash agreed.  
  
Wheee! Chapter Three done and done. I have NOTHING against fan girls. I just thought it worked well for this chapter. Hee hee. I'm thinking about a self insert or cameos...or something...cause there's only so much I can do with the Trigun characters...I want to add someone or something new....dunno who or what yet.....please give me an idea. ^_^  
  
Did you like it? ^_^  
  
Did you hate it? -_-  
  
Are you....unsure? .  
  
Leave the comments, please. I'd love to hear from you. *nod nod*  
  
~Pyro~ 


	4. Mind Control and Vegas

Well….its been a while…I've had some serious issues with school…I got grounded for getting a C….parents…gyah, they expect too much.  Anywho….my chapters will be less frequent and such….because of the grounding…yeah.  So, enjoy!

Thanks to the reviewers! I love you guys! ^_^

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the thoughts in my head.  

Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon

Chapter Four: Mind Control and Vegas

"Ahhhhh! Knivesy, control yourself!" Vash screamed while running downstairs from his psychotic twin.  Knives chased after him with a sledge hammer.  He was now fully clothed in jeans and a t-shirt.  Yes….hard to imagine our dear psychotic Knivesy in such a wardrobe. 

"I'm gonna kill you Vash!!  It's your fault I have to wear this!!  You and your stupid game!!!" Knives swung at Vash, but Vash ducked in the nick of time, so Knives hit the next closest person……E.G. Mine.  Of course, the sledge hammer bounced off of E.G's protective armor, so when Vash stood back up, he was met with a very heavy sledge hammer.

"Owwwww!!!" Vash whined, holding his arm.  Tears poured from his eyes.

"Knivesy, how could you be so cold?" He cried.  Knives, meanwhile, was shaking hands with E.G.  Vash started to walk away, but tripped over a chair.  The chair hit a table, causing a chain reaction of all the tables to fall, finally knocking Knives over.  Of course, the blast was so strong, that he went flying out a window. 

"….oh…..shit…." Vash glanced nervously out the window.

"VASH!!!" Knives yelled, bursting in through the doors.  He looked slightly deranged and was holding a stick.  He ran at his twin, yelling obscenities.   

"Knivesy, NO!  Remember your therapy!! Your counseling!!  Your Anger Management!!" Vash yelled, running back upstairs and _away_ from his insane brother.

E.G was bored.  After that highly amusing display of sibling rivalry, he was starting to get bored again.  Legato tapped him on the shoulder….well…he tried to.  Considering E.G had his shell on, his shoulders were unreachable.  So Legato tapped his…armor.  No response.  He tapped harder.  Nothing.  He smacked him.  No reaction.  Legato was getting annoyed.  So, he did what any other psycho would do.

He used his mind control!

"E.G, PAY ATTENTION!!" Legato yelled, forcing E.G to spin around.  But, his psychic energy was so focused, that he spun E.G a little too fast.  He dived out of the way just in time.  

So now there was a huge spinning top of DEATH massacring the saloon!  I mean, E.G is covered in spikes….if you got hit with him while he was spinning…well, good-bye you.

"Le-ga-to! Stop-me-right-now!" E.G yelled as he spun.  He was getting dizzy.  Random objects were getting stuck to him.  Finally Legato managed to stop him…only after he had maimed a few people, of course.

E.G lay on the floor, feeling as if he were about to vomit.  Zazie was hanging from one of the spikes by the back of his shirt.

"Um….a little help here?"  A ripping sound and then a thud could be heard.  "….never mind…." Zazie muttered from the floor.

Suddenly a high-pitched scream sounded from upstairs, followed by the sound of two people getting smacked.  Knives and Vash both ran down the stairs, their faces bright red.  They were both muttering apologies to Meryl, who was wearing a bathrobe and chasing them with Knives' stick.

"It was an accident, Meryl!!!" Vash yelled. He was holding his arms over his head as Meryl beat him with the stick.  Knives was running around in circles shrieking in the background.  

*whack* *whack* *whack*

"Meeeerrryyyylll!!!" Vash whined.  Meryl whacked him once more then tackled Knivesy, who screamed even louder.

"Get it off!! GET THE SPIDER OFF!!" Knives shrieked rolling around on the floor.  Meryl whacked him with the stick.

"Noooooo!! STICK! WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?!" Knives cried to his….stick.  Meryl smacked him once more, threw the stick on the ground, got up, and went back upstairs muttering to herself.  Knives sat huddled on the floor.  Vash patted his brother on the arm.

"It's ok, Knivesy….Meryl can get a little scary…" Vash said in a comforting voice.

"A little?!  A little scary is you on a bad hair day….but that woman…..IS SCARY BEYOND ALL REASON!" Knives yelled.  

"She must join the Gung ho Guns!!" Knives grinned psychotically.

"Master Knives, no!  I have three good reasons she can't join us." Legato pleaded.  Knives sighed. 

"Fine, Legato."

"One: She's friends with Vash.  She might turn on us."

"She wouldn't….did you see the way she hurt Vash like that?...heh heh heh…" Knives smirked.

"Two…I can do _this_!" Legato yelled, doing a flip in midair and balancing himself on one hand.

"Legato…I don't see what that has to do with--" E.G began, but Knives cut him off.

"No no….he's got a point…" Knives muttered.

"And Three…." Legato whispered in Knives' ear.  His eyes widened.

"Legato!! That's sick!!"  Legato smirked.

"Sick, but true…." 

"Ugh….oh….GOD, you can keep her Vash!!" Knives ran off to a corner, twitching and muttering to himself.

"…What the hell did you say to him, Legato?" Vash asked, confused.

"Oh…I just told him about that weekend in Vegas Meryl and I had." Legato said, smirking.

"…..What?!" Vash yelled.  

"…heh heh…."  Vash twitched.

"MERYL!!!!!" Vash yelled, and ran off up the stairs.  Legato laughed to himself.

"……^_^….."

"You said it Caine…" Knives said from the corner, still twitching uncontrollably. 

…..I've been stuck in writers block..and I only had a certain amount of time to finish this up….so, sorry if you didn't like it. X_x

Its not one of my favorite chapters….-_-

Review please? ^_^

Pyro


	5. I'm Zazie the BEAST

Disclaimer: GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!

I

DON'T

OWN

TRIGUN!!!

*^_^*

Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon

Chapter Five: I'm Zazie the BEAST!

Zazie was getting bored.  He's a kid in a saloon full of alcohol and drunk people.  You'd think he'd be having the time of his life.  But nooooo he was bored with it all.  So he started playing pranks on people. ^_^

His first prank had been on Wolfwood.  He had made a harmless piñata dangerous by filling it with 25 pounds of creamed spinach.  His second prank was to call in all those fangirls.  The fact that Caine sold Wolfwood's shirt and Knives had all his clothes ripped off was just an added bonus.  He also managed to loosen the chandelier when Wolfwood was hiding in it.  His last prank (so far, of course) was pushing the chair in Vash's way so he tripped and caused Knives to fly out the window.  Oh, he's good, isn't he? ^_^ 

As for Legato making E.G spin around like a top of Death….well…..that had nothing to do with Zazie.  In fact, that was just Legato being Legato. X_x

So there Zazie sat in the corner of the room, planning his next prank.  He planned to prank Vash.  Poor Vash is just an easy target.  He was trying to decide between the old yogurt down the boxers trick, or the very new and inventive run up the stairs, slip at the top, fly down the hallway out the window and land in a barrel full of honey trick.  

"Wait…what if I fill the barrel with yogurt instead….that way I combine the two pranks into one…." Zazie muttered to himself, writing in his notebook.  He grinned triumphantly.

"IT'S GENIUS!!!" He yelled, jumping on top of the table laughing like a maniac.  Everyone in the bar stared at him.  He quickly sat back down and whistled innocently. 

"Time to put the plan in action…" he said maliciously.  He snuck upstairs and poured oil on the floor all the way to the window.  Next, he ran back downstairs and filled a barrel full of yogurt.  Then he made a trail of donuts leading to the stairs.  At the very top of the stairs, he placed a chocolate covered, cream filled, sugar coated, caffeine filled donut!  And we all know Vash……he couldn't resist that. 

Vash was just walking by a chair innocently when he tripped.

"Ow!  What kind of idiotic moron wou--" but he stopped short when he saw a donut in front of his face.  In fact….there was a whole trail!  So, he did what any donut loving outlaw would do…..He followed it!  He ate donut after donut until he got to the stairs.  At the very top he saw the most delicious, radiant, heavenly donut he had ever laid eyes on.

"DONUT!!!" Vash yelled, drooling uncontrollably.  He ran up the stairs and tackled the donut, flying into a broom closet.  He completely missed the trail of oil leading to the window and his…….erm…….yogurty fate!!......Legato, however, didn't.

Legato had been following Vash across the room.  He was hoping he could snatch one of those donuts before Vash ate it.  Unfortunately, he had been unsuccessful, owing to the fact that Vash ate like a human vacuum cleaner.  Then he saw it at the top of the stairs: The most delicious looking donut in the world!!  But Vash saw it too, and got to it first.  Legato ran as fast as he could and instead of getting the donut, he slipped and went flying down the hall, shrieking like a little girl.  He smashed through the window and hovered in midair for a few seconds.  Looking down, he saw the barrel full of yogurt.

"Oh……Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!" He screamed as he fell right into the yogurty mess.

"Yogurt…in…the…boxers…..gyaaaah!!!"  He jumped out of the barrel and ran around trying to get the yogurt out of his boxers.  Of course, he wasn't watching where he was going, so he tripped and fell down a hill, rolling in dirt.  When he stood up, he looked like a giant dirt creature of some sort.  He ran towards the saloon, limping slightly.  When he burst in through the doors, everyone was completely silent.  Then Millie screamed.

"GIANT MUD MONSTER!!!"  Everyone else began to panic.  Legato looked around in confusion.  He saw no mud monster.  He looked back at Millie.  She was pointing her stun gun straight at him!  Legato looked at himself, then back at Millie.

"Wait! Don't pull the trig--"  Too late!  Millie pulled the trigger and sent Legato flying backwards into the wall.  Knives grabbed a hose from behind the bar.

"Now let's see who you _really_ are!" He yelled, spraying Legato with water.

"Legato?!" Knives, Millie, Meryl, and Wolfwood yelled.  Kuro-neko jumped on top of Legato's head.

"That's right," Legato muttered.  "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you pesky kids….and that cat!"

"….Uh….Legato, what are you talking about?" E.G asked.  Legato shrugged and got up.  He walked away, whistling 'Total Slaughter' to himself.  Zazie sat in the corner laughing hysterically.  Everyone else fell over ANIME STYLE! ^_^

Vash walked down stairs and saw everyone on the floor and Zazie laughing in the corner.  

"Uh….what'd I miss?...."

Hehe…what'd you think?....I thought I'd add a little bit of Scooby Doo in there.  I'm listening to a Simple Plan CD my sister burned, and it has the song 'What's New, Scooby Doo?' on it…..heh.

Like it?

Not like it?

I'd love to hear your comments. ^_^

Pyro


	6. When the Author Runs Out of Ideas and Dr...

Disclaimer: Me?  Own Trigun?!.....Pfft, as if……

Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon

Chapter Six: When the Author Runs Out of Ideas and Drags Herself into the Story

When we last left the Gunsmoke Saloon, Zazie had tried to prank Vash, but ended up pranking poor innocent (*cough, cough*) Legato.  

Legato sighed.  He was dripping wet and soaked.  He had no change of clothes, and he was going without boxers at the moment, considering they were stolen off his bare bottom by a reviewer……but that is a lovely image, is it not?  ^_^ 

Anyway, he was walking upstairs when he was suddenly pulled aside into a broom closet.

"What the fu--"

"NO INTENSE SWEARING!  This fanfic has a PG rating, you moron!" The person snapped at him.  

"…who are you?" He asked suspiciously.  As his eyes adjusted to the semi-darkness he let out a gasp.

"YOU!!" He yelled, pointing a finger at the person.  

"Ok, ok, its me.  I'm assuming you're pissed off at what I had Zazie do to you?"

"Just…..hmm, I don't know…… A LOT!!" Legato yelled, about to tackle this person, who is, yes, you guessed it, Pyro herself! (gotta love the self-inserts…..^_^)

"Hang on, psycho-boy," she said, smacking Legato with a mop.  "I pulled you in here for a reason."  Legato pulled the mop off his head and glared at her.

"Oh?  And whats that?" He asked suspiciously.  He wasn't about to trust someone who let Zazie drop him in a barrel full of yogurt.

"Since I pick on you so much, I'll let you choose someone else to get pranked, attacked by Meryl, mauled by rabbits, etc….Any ideas?" She asked.

"Hang on.  Let me get this straight.  You'll let me pick _anyone_?" He asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Anyone but Knives and Wolfwood." She said.  Legato smirked.

"How about Zazie?" He asked hopefully.  Pyro shook her head.

"I dunno, Legato….he's just a kid….I mean, I've got some pretty cruel stuff planned…"  Legato twitched.

"Are you SERIOUS?!  That's not a kid! IT'S A MONSTER!!  No _kid_ has the word BEAST in their name!  No _kid_ could plan and carry out such devious plots!  No _kid_ could fill a barrel full of yogurt on his own!  And it wasn't even _good_ yogurt!  It was that nasty, gross, cheap store brand that no one ever buys!!" He yelled, looking somewhat deranged.  He grabbed Pyro by the shoulders.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!" He yelled, shaking her.  "NO ONE EVER BUYS IT FOR A REASON!!!!"

"Le-ga-to!! Stop-Sha-king-mee-ee-ee-ee!!!" Pyro yelled, smacking him in the back of the head.  Legato twitched.

"….thanks, I needed that."

"Anytime." She muttered.  "I guess I could do you a favor just this once….ok, Zazie it is."  Legato grinned psychotically.  As he walked out of the closet, he muttered to himself,

"This is pay back, midget…..payback…….MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" 

"Riiiiight…." Pyro muttered, shaking her head.  Just then a loud crash echoed downstairs, making her jump.  She ran downstairs and stopped dead.  

There on the floor was Vash, twitching insanely.  Knives was hopping around him energetically.  Everyone else was either hiding behind the bar or had fled the saloon altogether.  

"Knives what're y--" Pyro began, but Knives cut her off by tackling her.

"VashsaidyougavehimthisreallyreallygooddonutsoIsaidgimmebuthesaidnosoIstoleitandateitandnowIcantstopjumping!!!!" He said, grinning and bouncing around more.  Pyro smacked Vash.

(Translation: Vash said you gave him this really, really good donut so I said gimme, but he said no.  So I stole it and I ate it and now I can't stop jumping!)

"Owwww!" Vash whined, rubbing the back of his poor injured skull.

"Vash, I _told_ you only you could handle that donut!!!.....and perhaps Legato…." Pyro said. 

"….I could…." Legato muttered.

"You think so?" Pyro asked, standing up.  Legato nodded.

"All right then," She said, handing him a chocolate covered, cream filled, sugar coated, caffeine filled donut.  Legato looked at her oddly.

"…What, you just carry those around with you?..." He asked.

"….I get hungry, ok?!" She replied, twitching slightly.  

"…All right…" Legato said, backing away slightly.  He sat down to enjoy his delicious meal.

~*~*~*~Five Minutes Later~*~*~*~

"WowthatdonutwasreallygoodcanIhavesomemorepleasepleasepleeeeaaasseee?!" Legato asked, jumping up and down.

(Translation: Wow that donut was really good.  Can I have some more? Please, please Pleeeeaaaassseee?!)

"I knew he couldn't handle it…" Pyro said, shaking her head sadly.

"….well….can I have one?...." Vash asked, drooling slightly.

"….I'm guessing if I say no, you'll probably freak out and go insane?..." Pyro muttered.  Vash nodded happily.  Pyro sighed and handed him one of the sacred donuts.  Vash ran off to eat his treasured meal.

Knives danced around in the background to music only he could hear.  Legato, Dominique, Midvalley, and Caine were sitting behind the bar.  Legato was cheering and wearing a shirt that said "Shake It Knivesy!" and holding a sign that said "Donuts or Bust!"

Dominique and Midvalley were wearing "Shake It Knivesy!" t-shirts, and were also cheering along with Legato.  Zazie sat on top of the bar selling more t-shirts and drinking shots of tequila.

Caine was sitting on a stool behind the bar serving drinks to everyone, who at the moment was just Zazie.  Everyone else was either hiding in the broom closet upstairs, or in the corner of the room twitching.

Pyro was lying on a table, fast asleep, having had one too many sacred donuts with Vash, who was passed out on the floor.  Wolfwood tapped Pyro on the shoulder.

"Donuts!" She yelled, sitting up.  Vash jumped up.

"Donuts?!...Where?!" He yelled, looking around.  Wolfwood backed away slightly.

"Ohh….its you.  What do you want?" Pyro asked, massaging her skull.  

"….I was just wondering….who's writing the story….?" He asked.  Pyro muttered something incoherent and passed out on the table again.

"What'd she say?..." Wolfwood asked Vash, confused.

"She said something about squirrel…." Vash muttered.  Then he passed out on the floor again.  Wolfwood shook his head and walked off towards the bar to get a drink.

Ok….thats it for this chapter.  As you can tell by the title, my ideas are running low.  I'm not sure if this chapter is any good….I'm kind of in a rut, so to speak.  So, if anyone wants cameos or something, please give a short description of yourself, your name, and your personality. ^_^

Review, oh mighty reviewers!!!!! 

Pyro


	7. Guests and Rabid Meryl

Wow.  Seven chapters.  I never thought people would review, to be honest….shows how optimistic I am, eh?....Anyway…. *really sappy music plays* I hope you know, you readers….you reviewers….you make this story worth writing….I…well, I love you guys! *big cheesey grin*

*crickets chirp*

*a lonely dog howls at the moon*

Uh…right….well….onwards!

Disclaimer: I own nothing….except myself!  And my squirrels!  Wooo. ^_^

Happy Hour at the Gunsmoke Saloon!

Chapter Seven: Guests and Rabid Meryl

Legato and Vash were in an intense battle.  A battle of wits…a battle of the minds…..a battle….to end _all_ battles.

"Paper, Scissor, Rock, Shoot!" Vash and Legato shouted in unison.

"Legato, stop using your telekinesis!!!!" Vash whined after losing for the 20th time.  

"…Um…Vash, if you used something other than 'donut' you might win…" Knives said.

"Yeah, donut isn't even in the game…." E.G said, looking at Vash oddly.

"I don't care!!! DONUT RULES ALL!!!" Vash yelled, making the 'donut' sign, which was really just the sign for rock with a hole in the middle.  Know what I mean?  Yeah, me either….O.o 

Suddenly a trio of girls walked in through the saloon-style swinging doors.  After all, this _is_ a saloon, so why shouldn't there be swinging doors?  The first girl was thin and had dark blonde hair.  She was wearing boy's clothes and a name tag that said "Hello my name is SaZ!"  She kept twitching for some odd reason.  The second girl had bright orange hair and wore a shirt that said "Shake it Knivesy!"  She also had a name tag that said "Hello my name is Sadie! I *_heart*_ Evil Bishies!" (Knives and Legato sweatdropped)  The last girl was wearing a shirt that said "Trapt" on it, green pants, and a name tag that said "Hello My Name Is Rachel, and if you touch Vash, I'll kill you! ^_^".(Vash twitched)  She had brownish hair with black streaks and she was hugging a Vash the Stampede plushie.   

"Who are th--" Legato began.  Pyro shoved him out of the way and ran up to the newcomers.  Legato  flew into the wall and slid down to the floor.  "Ow…." The loveable psycho said tearfully.  Pyro felt bad and gave him a  bag of cookies.  They were oreos!  Legato walked off munching on his cookies happily.  Zazie glared at him jealously and was suddenly struck by lightning.  Pyro ran back over to the confused group at the door.

"Welcome to the Gunsmoke Saloon!  Just let me get the release forms…"  Pyro dug into her trench coat and pulled out a spatula.

"…wrong pocket…"  She fished around and pulled out a Knives plushie.  "Uh…how'd that get in there?...."  She said, glancing around at the looks of horror on everyone's faces.  Then she threw it over her shoulder and it hit Knivesy.  

"….Well, that's creepy AND disturbing!  I, for one, am appalled." Knives said, looking at the tiny, soft, huggable version of himself.  

~*~*~*~*~*~10 Minutes Later~*~*~*~*~*~

Pyro kept pulling out random objects from her trench coat and throwing them over her shoulder.  Every now and then an object would hit someone.  SO far, Zazie had been struck with an octopus, a toaster, Kuroneko (who latched onto his face as soon she made contact), and about thirty Knives plushies.  Knives huddled in the corner, almost crying.

"Life is so unfair," he muttered, as he watched Pyro pull out another plushie of himself.

"Aha!  I remember where I left them now!" Pyro said triumphantly.  She ran over to Vash, reached into his trench coat, and pulled out…..

A pair of red polka-dotted boxers!

"Hey!!  Don't undress me!!" He yelled, snatching his boxers back.

"Uh…whoops….sorry Vash…" Pyro said, reaching into his trench coat again and pulled out the release forms.

"Ok…they just say that I'm not responsible for any mauling, damage, loss of limbs, etc….it also says that incase you die, we can feed your body to Meryl.  She hasn't eaten in a few days…" 

Meryl was in a cage in the corner of the room.  She was rocking back and forth in the fetal position, muttering to herself and foaming at the mouth.

"Kay!" said SaZ, signing the form and running off to poke the caged up Meryl with a stick she found.  Rachel turned to Pyro.

"…y'know…I'm only in this because you asked me to be…"  She muttered.

"And 'cause I promised you Vash!" Pyro smiled happily.  Vash's eyes widened.  Rachel twitched and tackled Vash, hugging him tightly.  Vash glared up at Pyro from the floor.

"I….hate….you…"

Sadie, meanwhile, calmly walked up to Knives and Legato, who both trembled with fear.  She pointed to her shirt and nodded.  Knives shook his head.  She nodded again.  Knives shook his head again.  She nodded and pulled out a squirt gun filled with yogurt.  Legato ran off screaming, and everyone looked at him oddly.  Knives' eyes widened.  Sadie grinned and shot streams of yogurt at his feet.

"Shake it, Knivesy!!!" She yelled.  Knives hopped around, trying to avoid the streams of yogurt aimed at his feet.  Legato ran around shrieking in the background.  Suddenly, Knives slipped on a particularly large and nasty patch of yogurt.  He flew across the room and crashed into Legato.  Then they both flew into a wall, but only Knives passed out.  Legato stood over him, poking him with a twig that he found.

SaZ was sitting in front of Meryl's cage and poking her with a stick.  Meryl sat there, twitching insanely.  

"….uh…SaZ?..." Pyro asked.

"Huh?"

"Um….you know the saying 'Never poke a sleeping bear in the eye'..?"

"…..yeah…."

"Well….the same goes for Meryl….only, I'd take the bear any day…"  Pyro said, pointing at the cage.  Meryl was convulsing and steam was coming out of her ears.  She began to pry the bars apart with her bare hands.  SaZ dropped the stick.

"Oh…crap….RUN!!!" Everyone ran as the cage exploded.  Meryl ran over to the first person she saw, which happened to be Zazie.

"No, Meryl!  No!!" Zazie screamed, trying to run.  Too bad his short little kid legs were no match for Meryl's short little adult legs.  Meryl tackled him, and he shrieked, getting terribly mauled.  Next, Meryl spotted Wolfwood.  She charged at him.

"OH MY GOD!" He yelled, and ran for his LIFE!  

"Well, this ought to be a good chase scene." Legato said, peeking out from behind the bar.

~*~*~*~10 seconds later~*~*~*~

Wolfwood was cornered in….well…the corner.

"….Guess not."  Legato said, eating popcorn and watching.  Meryl was just about to charge when SUDDENLY she was hit in the back of the head with an oar by SaZ.  Wolfwood twitched.  Pyro picked Meryl up and put her in a tiny box.

"SaZ, how'd you do that?" Wolfwood asked, still freaked out.

"Well, I grabbed this conveniently placed oar and hit her in the head!" SaZ said, grinning.  

"…I'm getting booooored…" Knives said.

"Hey Knives, weren't you unconscious?" Legato asked.

"So?"

"Right."

"Hey!" Sadie yelled, jumping between them.  "Let's play Hide n' Go seek!!!"  

"Ok!"

"Wooo!"

"Yeah!!"

"…..^_^…..!!!"

"All right!"

"Who's it?!?!" Vash asked, jumping up and down.

"Hm.  Good question!  I piiiiiick…..Rachel!" Pyro yelled, pointing at Rachel.

"Why me?!"

" 'Cause I'm the author, and I said so!" Pyro said, sticking out her tongue.  Rachel grabbed the oar from SaZ and smacked Pyro in the head.

"Ow….ducks!!" Pyro said, falling over.

"….uh…whatever…." Rachel said.  She began to count and everyone scattered.

Next chapter…some more cameos ^_^….and Hide N' Seek!  Hm…kind of a cliffy….not really though…O.o

Ok ok.  I feel bad because I haven't responded to any reviews.  It depresses me.  *goes into a 5 second depression before perking up again*  But Now I have time.  Some responses shall be long because I'm starting all the way at chapter one. X_x

Pico The Great: First review!  Go you!  Thanks for the approval…it makes me happy! ^_^  

Tearron Walker:  Caine does have a high tolerance….I remember this one time on New Years Eve….uh….heh…never mind.  But thanks!  I appreciate it. ^_^  

    CaptainMurphy'sMistress:  I believe you! (Really I do) ^_^!!!  Thanks for reading!!!

SaZ-2:  What can I say…except…..YOU ROCK!  You are the BEST!  You deserve a COOKIE!! *gives you a cookie and throws a handful of confetti in the air* Wooo!  Thanks for being so AWESOME and I hope you liked this chapter.

Luna-Kistune-Blu:  Haha, nice.  Your reviews….they made me happy.  Why?  Because you amuse me!  And that's a good thing too.  I can't say many people make me laugh…infact, most people annoy me.  Go you. ^_^

Classy Raven: Awww, thanks!  I feel special now!  This is what an author writes for….reviews like this.  *hug*

Miyosha:  Really?  You think its _very_ funny?  Yay!  Well, at least I know I'm doing something right. ^_^

Ryuukai's GF:  Aw, you give me too much credit. ^_^   You can have a cameo next chapter.  *nods*  And you can have a whole BOX of chocolate covered, cream filled, sugar coated, caffeine filled donuts! ^_^

Neko-chan: Thanks!  You should fear the fangirls….they are from the BOWELS OF HELL!!!.....and they stole poor Knivesy's clothes….Anyway, thanks for your reviews….they made me giggle inside. ^_^

Neng:  Oh Zazie shall be drunk in chapter eight…..oh so drunk……Mwahahhahahahhaha!!  And he'll get struck by lightning again too….yay! ^_^

Sephiroth1Ripley8:  YoucanreadruntogethersentencesthatsawesomecauseIcantooandIneverreallyneededtohavethetranslationsbutIfiguredI'dbenicetothosewhocouldn'treademhopeyoulikedthischapterandallchapterstoocome!!!!!

Well, that's all for now!  *gets a far off look in eyes* And maybe….one day….I'll be writing more of these…..*snaps back to reality*…..ow.  Anyways…..

Hope you all enjoyed chapter seven.  Here's a cookie if you did!!! *hands out cookies*   Review! ^_^


	8. More Confusion and Atomic Wedgies

Happy Hour At The Gunsmoke Saloon

Chapter Eight: More Confusion and Atomic Wedgies

Disclaimer:….well, this is getting redundant. But, I own nothing from Trigun or any other things I put in here that are already copyrighted.

"………Ninety-nine…..one hundred! Ready or not, here I come!!!" Rachel yelled and ran off in search of everyone. She dragged Vash behind her.

"But….I wanted to hide!!!…" he said, crossing his arms and pouting. Rachel ignored him and ran over to the bar, pulling Legato out from behind it.

"….no fair…" Legato muttered. Rachel ignored him too and ran over to the jukebox. She pulled Knives out from behind it.

Then she ran some MORE over to the bar again. She pushed Zazie off his stool and grabbed the glass of Tequila he had been drinking.

"What the hell?!" He yelled. She pulled Pyro out of the glass. Zazie stared at Pyro then the glass then Pyro again.

"………that's disturbing." He muttered and walked off to find some more tequila, getting struck by lightning in the process. Pyro looked at Knives and Legato oddly.

"Well, two of the greatest villains, and you pick the most obvious places to hide? You have no style….." Legato and Knives hung their heads in shame.

Rachel kept running around pulling people out of the oddest places. SaZ had been hiding in E.G's armor shell thingy, Sadie was hiding under a laundry basket…how a laundry basket got in a saloon….well….who knows, Caine was hiding under a huge pile of Knives plushies, and Wolfwood was just running around in circles for some odd and unexplained reason.

"Ok, I found everyone. Now I piiiiiick…….Legato!" Rachel said. Legato glared at her and was just about to make her run off a cliff with his mind when SUDDENLY he was tackled to the ground.

"…..ow…..who dares tackle me, Legato Bluesummers, master of pain and--" But, of course, he was cut off by a sharp smack to the head. The person who had dared tackle _and_ smack him was, of course, a girl! But she wasn't exactly a _human_ girl. In fact, she was a cat and dog demon. She had red dog ears on top of her head, and a black and red lion tail which kept hitting Zazie in the face. Her hair was black with red streaks and she wore black baggy pants and a red t-shirt.

"I dared tackle you and I'll do it again!" She said. And to prove her point, she got up and tackled Legato a second time, hugging him tightly. Legato twitched.

"T9, stop squeezing the life out of Legato! It's really odd." A girl with blue fox ears and a fluffy fox tail said. She was, of course, a fox demon. She had blue hair and was wearing dark blue baggy pants and a black t-shirt. Her name was Blu. She was followed by a boy who resembled Link from the Legend of Zelda. He had pointed elf ears and blondish hair. His name, you ask? Why it was TK.

"There're _more_ of them?" Wolfwood asked, approaching the new comers cautiously. Blu twitched and immediately latched onto the unsuspecting priest. Knives tapped Wolfwood on the shoulder.

"….there's a……thing…..on your arm…." Wolfwood looked down at Blu, who was attached to his arm, then back at Knives.

"That's not a thing. It's a fangirl. Duh." He said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world….which it was.

"Ohhh…well, that explains this then." Knives said, pointing to Sadie, who was in the middle of hugging/crushing him. Meanwhile, Pyro was checking off names on a list. She looked around.

"Hey, isn't Hikari supposed to be with you?..." Pyro asked T9. T9, who was still on top of Legato, just shrugged. Not that kind of on top……you pervs. Just then, _another_ girl walked into the saloon. She had red hair that was up in a ponytail and fuzzy dog ears. Her eyes were violet, which was kind of creepy, but cool nonetheless, and she wore a shirt that said, "Knives sucks Zazie!"

"Do not! That's considered an act of pedophilia!! Which is illegal…." Knives said, glaring.

"….only in some states….." Monev said. Everyone looked at him.

"…What?...." Everyone backed away a few feet. "No…really? What?...." Pyro turned to the newcomers.

"….uh, Welcome to the Gunsmoke Saloon. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask someone other than me. Also, don't even try to back out of this. You signed up for it." Pyro said, skipping off happily to get some donuts. Legato looked at T9.

"….um….could you….maybe….loosen your grip?...." He asked, his face turning a lovely shade of blue.

"Hm. Let me think about that one. How about…..NO!" T9 yelled at her husband, hugging him even tighter. Legato flinched. "….yes dear…"

TK turned to Blu, who was still hugging Wolfwood.

"…..why did you drag me here?....." He asked, looking at Wolfwood with the deepest sympathy. And by _sympathy_, I meant he was pointing and laughing.

"I dunno, I figured watching you suffer would be fun." Blu answered, smiling happily.

"Why me?..." TK asked, glaring at the author with nothing but HATRED.

"Because, you're the only one who can keep them off their bishounen! That's what you said!" Pyro said, eating a sacred donut. Wolfwood and Legato looked at TK hopefully.

"….if I have to suffer…so do they…" He muttered. Wolfwood and Legato both glared at TK. Pyro walked over to Hikari, who was looking around.

"Whatcha lookin' for?" Pyro asked, holding a box of sacred donuts, and munching on one happily. Hikari looked at the box, then Pyro, then the box again.

"Hey look! Something shiny!" She yelled, pointing at Zazie, who was holding an exceptionally shiny spoon. Pyro twitched.

"SHINY!" She dropped the box of donuts, and tackled Zazie, who screamed like a little girl. Hikari picked up the box of donuts.

"MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!" Knives looked at her oddly.

"Um…aren't _I_ supposed to be the insane one here?" He asked.

"Hmm…let me think about that…." Hikari said, then grinning wickedly, gave Knives an ATOMIC wedgie. Knives twitched.

"….point….taken….GYAAAAHHH!!" He ran off, trying to…er…unwedgie himself. Just then Vash walked by with Rachel attached to his leg. Hikari glanced at the box of donuts then Vash, getting an idea. A terribly, wonderfully, awful idea, that is.

She pulled a cage seemingly out of nowhere. Then she placed the cage on the floor and put one of the sacred donuts in it. Then she waited.

Vash had just sat down at the bar, thinking of getting a drink (preferably anything with alcohol in it), when he spotted a sacred donut. He twitched and started to drool.

"Ew! Vash, you're drooling on me!" Said a very annoyed Knives, who was sitting next to his brother at the bar.

"DONUT!" Vash yelled. He sprinted over to the cage and dove in to retrieve his glorious donut. The cage door slammed shut behind him. Hikari cheered in triumph. Then she picked up the cage and dragged Vash off with her. He sat there, munching on his donut contentedly, unaware of the danger. Rachel mourned the loss of her Vash, and vowed to get him back. Knives shook his head, muttering something about insane fan girls. This caused Sadie to hug him more.

Meryl, Legato, T9, and Knives were sitting at the bar, eating food and drinking…uh…drinks.

"Legato, could you pass the salt?" Meryl asked him. Legato nodded and passed her the salt shaker. T9 smacked Legato.

"Ow! What did I do?!" He asked, rubbing the slap print on his face.

"Who was she?....Are….ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?!" T9 yelled at him, smacking him again.

"N-no! I would n-never cheat on y-you!! I don't have a death wish!" Legato practically cried, trying to avoid his wife's temper.

"….ok." T9 said, smiling happily. Then she smacked him again.

"Ow!! Now what?!" He asked, rubbing the back of his skull.

"I don't know. You looked like you needed a good smack." T9 said, glaring/smiling at him. Legato sat there, trying not to make eye contact with anyone and staring down at his food.

Meanwhile, Blu, Wolfwood, Millie, Hikari, Vash, Zazie, E.G, SaZ, and Monev were playing 'Spin the Bottle.' Of course, they didn't have a bottle, so they tied Zazie to a stick and used him instead. Blu spun and it landed on….

Monev! Blu's eyes widened, and she quickly pushed the 'bottle,' making it point to Wolfwood. She grinned and kissed Wolfwood. Wolfwood went all starry-eyed and murmured something about liking this game. Next Hikari spun! It landed on…

Monev again….? She ran off screaming, dragging the cage with Vash in it behind her. Monev ran off because he thought everyone hated him….which was true.

Knives walked up to Hikari, glaring.

"We have something to settle….you gave me a wedgie-"

"Atomic Wedgie."

"….atomic wedgie….allow me to return the favor!" He yelled, pulling out his gun. Hikari looked at him oddly. He noticed she wasn't cowering in fear and it unnerved him.

"…what?..." He asked, trying to maintain his 'evil villain' stance, and failing. She laughed.

"I was just thinking of what your face would look like when I did THIS!" She yelled and gave him another atomic wedgie. Knives shrieked.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!" He yelled, running off to unwedgie himself yet again.

As Knives ran off and Hikari fell to the floor laughing, Rachel took this moment to steal Vash back. Unfortunately, she tripped on a strategically placed stick and fell. Hikari quickly snatched the caged-up Vash out of her reach.

"Vash is mine!" Rachel yelled.

"Nuh-uh! Mine!" Hikari yelled back. Pyro jumped inbetween them.

"It seems we must settle this…" She said.

"We'll have a battle. And whoever wins will get to keep Vash!" She said, grinning. Hikari and Rachel nodded. Then they both stomped off into separate corners of the saloon to get ready for the match.

All righty, folks! It took me a while to update…its not that I couldn't think of anything…I'm just lazy. Xx

Review, please!

Pyro


	9. Just an author's note

First off, sorry to say this is just an author's note. Chapter 9 is in progress though, I assure you....

Yeah I know...it's been a while...I've been busy. I got a job this summer, and let me tell you, it really does suck. But anyway. I'll have the next chapter soon. And I'm not adding anyone else, sorry. It gets confusing because some people get neglected and believe it or not, my ideas are running short. I did, however add the last few people who asked....Matt-kun and The Immortal Dualist...so yeah.

Soooo expect a chapter soon. In the next three days probably.

Once again, sorry about not updating.....

DON'T HATE ME!!

Pyro


	10. Hilarity Shall Ensue

Happy Hour At The Gunsmoke Saloon

Chapter Nine: Hilarity Shall Ensue

Disclaimer: Once again. I don't own Trigun! Crazy! Wheehoo!

When we last left the Gunsmoke Saloon, a battle was about to begin…..A battle between two fangirls….each fighting for their bishounen……cough…well, this should be good, yes?

Knives took this opportunity to make some money and sell tickets to the crowd of people gathered in the saloon. As he sold some of his remaining tickets, two people walked in through the saloon doors. The first one was an EXACT replica of Vash, but instead of a red trench coat, he had on a black one. He also had 8 wings…yes, wings; four demon wings, and four angel wings. Two of the demon wings were black, the other two were white, and the same went for the angel wings. He was also radiating complete and utter weirdness, causing even Meryl to twitch slightly as he passed. His name was Matt-kun. The second person was a girl with long black hair tied in a ponytail and silver-blue eyes. She wore a red baseball cap that said "I brake for Donuts!" She also wore a black shirt that had Kuroneko's bright green eyes, dark blue flared jeans, black leather boots, an oversized black trench coat, AND a collar around her neck with about 50 Vash and Wolfwood key chains attached to it. (Vash and Wolfwood both glanced at each other nervously)

"It's Matt and Kat!" Pyro said, running up to the two newcomers and throwing a handful of confetti in the air. Then after a moments thinking, she said, "…..woah…that rhymed…." TK shook his head at the pathetic, easily amused author and also walked up to the newcomers.

"Since the author is, once again, being an idiot," he said, "Welcome to the Gunsmoke Saloon. You should have thought twice about coming here. Now there is no escape for you." And with that he walked off. Kat looked around happily, apparently not taking in a word of what TK had said….or at least not caring. Whichever. She skipped off toward the bar, looking around for something to eat.

Matt, meanwhile, went off looking for Caine. Caine was standing guard over Vash in the corner of the room. Vash was trying to bribe Caine into letting him out.

"Look, I'll give you ALL the money I have...if you'll just let me out."

"……?"

"No….I'm not scared…."

"…..o.o….."

"And what's that supposed to mean!"

"!"

"CAINE!...I hate you…."

"..-.-.."

"Long time no see, Caine," Matt said, walking up to the mime/gunman.

"…!"

"Yep."

" ?"

"Oh you know, same old things. What about you?"

"……"

"So you _did_ decide to join Knives? How's that working out for you?"

"…o.o…"

"You die in episode 23?...Sorry to hear that…."

"……o.o?"

"Yeah, you can still come to the New Year's party."

"?"

"A drinking contest?...You're on!" And with that, Matt and Caine ran off toward the bar, leaving a confused, upset, and slightly disoriented Vash. Meanwhile, Kat was having a slight argument with the current bartender, a.k.a Zazie. 

"I said I wanted Pepsi! PEPSI! THIS IS DIET!" Kat yelled to Zazie. Zazie, not used to seeing such scary hyperactive anger, trembled in fear.

"Th-that's all we have….." He stammered.

"And you call yourself a bartender!" She yelled.

"No! The…the author made me do it! I'm just a kid!"

"…..you will PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!" Kat yelled, tackling Zazie. She grabbed—

Pyro: WARNING-looks around in a shifty fashion and pulls out a guitar and starts playing-

-sings quietly-

..Live without Warning…

Say warning…live without warning…

Without…alright…

Better homes and safety sealed communities….

Did you remember to pay the utili-

Rachel: What the hell are you doing?

Pyro-throws guitar somewhere anda random cat howls- Uh…NOTHING!

Rachel-smacks-

Pyro:…fine…I was singing a Green Day song….-.-..

Rachel: Get on with the story. I'm tired of your Green Day obsession! And no one wants to hear you try and sing!

Pyro-mutter mutter- As I was saying….-clears throat-

WARNING!

Too violent!

TOOOOOO VIOLENT!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHIELD YOUR EYES!

Zazie: MY LIVER! THAT'S MY LIVER YOUR STANDING ON!

Kat: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Pyro: Alright. Warning over.….-looks around again sings quietly-

This was a public service announcement…this was only a—

Rachel: BACK TO THE STORY!

Pyro:…fine…resume…-.-...

As the dust settled Kat could be seen sitting on her stool drinking an ice cold Pepsi happily. Zazie was sitting in the corner, wide-eyed. He had two black eyes, a bloody nose, and his inside looked squished.

"Pepsi bad..." He muttered to himself, rocking back and forth all...twitchy, like.

Meanwhile, Matt and Caine were still drinking. They were each on their 74th mug of beer, and neither showed signs of relenting. Infact, others were getting drunk from watching.

"Hey…hey Caine," Knives hiccupped, grinning in a drunken manner, "you..you can take…him…." And he passed out. Sadie took this opportunity to steal his pants. And Hikari gave him another wedgie. Legato watched all this giggling to himself.

Wolfwood snuck over to Vash's unguarded cage quietly. He reached into his pants and pulled out…….

A cake!...geez, what did you think I was gonna say?...you sick little freak, you.

"…no thanks. I'm not hungry." Vash said miserably.

"You may find something…useful…inside…." Wolfwood said.

"I said I'm not hungry." Wolfwood rolled his eyes.

"Vash. Listen to me. Inside the cake. You may find something. USEFUL."

"And you listen to me. I'm. Not. Hungry." Vash said, getting a little annoyed.

"Damn it, Vash! There's a gun in the cake!" Wolfwood said.

"IT'S ARMED!" Vash shrieked, ducking on the floor of the cage. Wolfwood shook his head.

"…it would be understatement for me to tell you you're an idiot, Vash..." Pyro grabbed Vash's cage and began dragging it off.

"What are you doing?" Wolfwood asked, alarmed.

"Time for the battle!" Pyro said, grinning.

"WHAT!" Vash yelled. He attempted to break out of the cage by ramming his head against the bars. Unfortunately, he just managed to get his head stuck.

"This is so unfair!" He cried, trying to pull his head out of the bars. Wolfwood shook his head again and walked off to get a good seat for the upcoming match. Pyro handed the caged up Vash to Caine and also wandered off to get a good seat. Knives walked into the middle of the room, holding a microphone. He cleared his throat and looked around at the gathering crowd.

"Everyone take their seats now. The match for is about to start." When nobody did anything he tapped the microphone.

"…is….is this thing on? It's on, I can hear myself from the speakers. Hello…Hello? WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!" He shouted angrily into the microphone. Hikari, who we all know (or at least shouldknow bynow)despises Knives, was desperate to begin the fight for Vash, so she ran up to Knives and kicked him in the shin.

"Take this!" She yelled.

"Ow!" Then she gave him yet _another_ atomic wedgie, then picked up a stool and whacked him over the head with it. As Knives fell to the ground and passed out, Sadie took this moment to drag him off again.

All right. So….there's no actual battle yet. That will be next chapter. And I am so sorry this took so long. The next chapter is already in production. I PROMISE it will be up as soon as I can get it up. A week or so. Maybe more, maybe less. Again. I'm…really…sorry…Oh. And I changed my user name. Tis now Bethie The Homicidal Maniac! Though I still shall refer to myself as 'Pyro.'

Cheers!

Pyro -SEE?


	11. The Ninjas From Hell

**Chapter Ten: The Ninjas From Hell**

When we last left our heroes and villains and crazy fangirls and two boys who are not fanboys of anyone…erm. Yes. When we last left this strange collection of people (and plants!), a battle was about to begin. A battle ABOVE ALL OTHERS! The most battle-y battle of this known world! Well. At least of Gunsmoke. EVEN BIGGER THAN THE BATTLE BETWEEN VASH AND KNIVES THEMSELVES. Yes, never mess with a fangirl and her bishounen. NEVER! It may just be the last thing you do…

"I have taught you well young padawan. But now I must teach you the final…erm…thingy. And that is—

"HEY! You with the lightsaber! GET OUT OF HERE! This isn't a cross over fic! I can't have random people from Star Wars running amok in here!" Pyro yelled from the corner, brandishing a shoe at the slightly confused jedi-master.

"But…"

"NO!"

"I…I just wanted to…"

"NO!"

And with that the jedi-master walked off, slightly hurt and depressed. He sniffled to himself as he wandered off into the desert…NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN! And don't you dare say, "Aww." DON'T DO IT! If you do, hungry, cannibalistic bad-ass ninjas will drop from your ceiling and ATTACK you. Then eat your face. So. Yeah. Just a warning.

So. Continuing.

Hikari and Rachel both climbed into the ring, staring each other down, each daring the other to back down. Though neither one did, of course. It just wouldn't be fun. .

"All right, choose your weapons!" Pyro said, dragging a large cardboard box into the arena. Or…ring. Or….whatever. Pyro tore open the box and inside were…

…a bunch of Knives plushies!

Rachel and Hikari both stared at Pyro, who was happily oblivious to the entire situation.

"Um…Pyro?" Rachel asked.

"Yes?"

"…how can we…use plushies as weapons?..."

"Observe." Pyro said, picking up a plushie. She looked around the room intently. She glanced over at Legato, who was eating a hotdog, then E.G. who was petting a small kitten. Zazie caught her eye. She watched him sitting at the bar, still quite shaken up and squished from the last attack on him. She grinned. She snuck a bit closer, and THREW the beast of a plushie with all her might. Zazie looked up and screamed as it –

WARNING: Due to the violent nature of this segment, it has been DELETED because it was icky n' gross.

and it was dripping from the open gashes on his stomach.

"OH MY GOD! ZAZIE ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!" Rachel asked, stunned.

"It's just a flesh wound," he replied, picking up his arm from the floor nearby. Hikari grinned evilly, and Rachel too was forming plots of sure destruction with the use of these deliciously evil Knives' plushies.

"AND GO!" Pyro yelled from a random laundry basket hanging from the ceiling. Hikari picked up a crapload of plushies and threw them, grenade style at Rachel. Rachel skillfully dodge each one, EXCEPT THE LAST ONE, which struck her in mid-jump, sending her veering off course and into the wall. As the dust and debris settled, Hikari looked on in triumph. Her triumph was short-lived however, because SUDDENLY, Rachel flew down from the ceiling, launching plushies at her foe.

Hikari, who was now buried in plushies, screamed in agony.

"IT BURNS!" Rachel, now thinking she had won, grinned to herself, thinking of her Vash. When ALL OF A SUDDEN, Hikari back-flipped over Rachel and did a frontal aerial assault, ending in BLOODSHED! Well, actually, it just ended in Rachel being hit in the back of the head with a plushie, which was odd since it was a frontal assault….

Ten Minutes Later:

Nothing could be seen inside the ring/arena/enclosed space except a huge cloud of dust and debris, and the occasional flash of light. Noises, such as gunshots and powerful blasts, could also be heard….which was also strange because there were no guns or explody-type things.

Suddenly. The dust cleared and…

…there was no one there. Only two pairs of shoes were sitting on the floor, each where Hikari and Rachel has started the match.

"….o…kaaay…." Pyro said, staring at the ring/arena/enclosed space. "Well…apparently they killed each other…meaning we now have…no one to give Vash to…"

"YES!" Vash yelled from the cage, his head still stuck in between the bars.

"I'll take him!" Monev said, grinning really creepy-like. Vash's eyes widened, and a look of pure horror spread across his face. Pyro backed away from Monev slighty.

"…um…no…that's ok…"

"Aww." Monev looked at the ground, all sad like. SUDDENLY! A group of hungry, cannibalistic, bad-ass ninjas dropped from the ceiling and ATTACKED him. Then they ate his face.

Everyone stared. O.o

"…o…kaaaay…." Wolfwood said.

"Yeah…Those ninja guys moved in here a few days ago. They're paying me a lot to stay though. And they do the cleaning. Only one problem. Any time someone says the word 'aww,' they go crazy and attack the person. I forgot to warn you guys about that…Oh well!" Pyro said, grinning.

"But you just said it." Zazie pointed out.

"What? 'The'?"

"No. After that."

" 'Word' ?"

"After that."

" 'They'?"

"No! Before that!"

"Ohhhh you mean 'says'!"

"NO! AWW! YOU SAID AWW!" And suddenly, Zazie was attacked by a group of hungry, cannibalistic, bad-ass ninjas. The dropped from the ceiling and ATTACKED him. Then they ate his face.

Everyone stared. O.o

"Woah. Déjà vu." E.G. said, looking around.

"Well, he had a point," Wolfwood said. "How come you could say 'aw--"

The Ninjas looked at Wolfwood hungrily.

"--erm….that word. How come you can say…that word?"

"Oh, simple. I'm the author. I can do a lot of things. Like fly."

"Can you really!" Vash yelled excitedly from the corner.

"No."

"Aw-" Before he could finish the dreaded word, Meryl covered his mouth

The Ninjas looked disappointed.

Just then, Millie walked into the room, holding a little puppy. It was adorably cute and barked happily, wagging it's little puppy tale. Don't say it…

"Awwwwww! IT'S A PUPPY!" Dominique yelled. SUDDENLY the ninjas attacked her too. And ate her face.

"….seriously…we either have to stop saying…erm…that word…or just get rid of these ninja guys." Knives muttered. "They're destroying my team of insane gunmen. Without a word, Matt stood up silently, the alcohol from before still having taken no effect whatsoever on the creepy…erm…per…son…?

He walked over to where the ninjas stood.

Everyone stared. O.o

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a high pitched noise that sounded suspiciously like a cat screeching. When the light dimmed and the dust cleared ('cause there was dust, y'know), the ninjas had completely vanished.

Knives stared.

"YOU MUST JOIN THE GUNG HO GUNS!" Matt glanced at him.

"…nah."

"Oh, come on!"

"Nope."

"Please!"

"Hmm. Lemme think about it. No."

"I'll be your best friend!" Knives said, grinning. Legato looked hurt.

"….nope."

"Aw-" Legato kicked him. "Ow! Legato the ninjas are gone!"

"…oh yeah…"

All right. Chapter Ten. There you go. I have no clue how long it'll take for the next chapter to come out of my crazy mind. So. Yeah. Hope you enjoyed it.

Much love…well. Not really.

Pyro


	12. Evil Plot

**Chapter Eleven: Evil Plot**

Hmm…Haven't done a disclaimer in quite some time, eh?

Disclaimer: I own basically no characters in this story except myself, and even then, I'm not too sure. BUT! The ideas are mine, infidel!

It was evening at the Gunsmoke Saloon. The atmosphere was a calm and collected one. The mugs of beer glistened softly under the dim light of the saloon. Wolfwood and Vash sat in the corner, arm-wrestling, while Hikari and SaZ used Zazie as a piñata. And in the peaceful surroundings, all was quiet.

…or so it seemed.

Little did anyone know things were not what they seemed in the peacefully insane little saloon…

Deep in the dark, DARK depths of…well…the corner of the room, a mastermind was at work.

"Legato. I'm tired of these fan girl creatures running about. They're worse than the average spider. They're like…government-bred super spiders." Knives muttered darkly, more to himself than his evil henchman. Suddenly an idea hit him.

"Wait. What if these abnormally scary spiders are here to unravel and destroy my plots of sure destruction?"

"It's quite possible, master."

"I refuse to let a sick, sad bunch of humans ruin my plans for domination of this pathetic excuse for a planet!"

And so their planning began.

MEANWHILE!

"Hey Pyro," said E.G. "Did you ever figure out where those two girls that were fighting over Vash ended up?"

"The who with the what where now?"

-.-;

"Nevermind," he muttered.

Suddenly, the floor began to shake and rattle. Everyone looked around alarmed…and stuff.

"What the hell is that?" Wolfwood asked, looking around.

SUDDENLY! A huge blast of smoke exploded in the middle of the saloon. Knives and Legato walked out, coughing and hacking.

"I said ONE smoke bomb, Legato. Just one!" Knives yelled.

"I…I couldn't help it…I like exploding things…"

"KNIVES!" Vash yelled.

"…what?" Knives asked innocently.

"…do you have a cookie?" Vash asked hopefully. "I'm kinda hungry."

"Uh…suuuure…they're in the corner of the room…" Knives said, grinning maliciously, sadistically, and just plain EVILLY. You know. One of those grins. Like, if you see it, everything in your head tells you to run like HELL. So of course, Vash ran off to the corner of the room grinning happily.

Everyone shook their heads. Damn it Vash.

"I think what he _meant_ to say," said Meryl angrily. "Is: What are you up to?"

"Who says I'm _up_ to something?" Knives asked innocently.

"Whenever anything bad happens, it's always **your** fault!" Meryl argued.

"It's not ALWAYS my fault! Blame the stupid author for that. Besides...I'm not _doing_ anything." Knives said, innocent still.

"But, Master," Legato said. "I thought you wanted to use yours and Vash's angel arms to destr-" Knives quickly tackled Legato to the ground and bashed him in the skull with a stick until he was knocked out.

Everyone stared at him. O.o

"Er…he had a…spider…on his…uh…face..?" Everyone backed away slowly.

"I knew it! You're up to something! That's why you-" Wolfwood was also tackled to the ground and felt the wrath of the BRANCH OF DOOM!

"I suppose _he_ had a spider on _his_ face too?" Meryl asked.

"…yes. Yes he did."

"Whatever, Knives. I'm _watching_ you," Meryl growled. And with that, everyone returned to their normal business of…drinking and all that jazz.

Knives sighed in relief.

"That was close. _Too_ close…" He grabbed Legato and Wolfwood and dragged them off to the corner of the room…

"Millie, Knives is up to something…but what?"

Meryl sat at the bar with Millie, trying to figure out what was going on, and also trying to figure out if she should be concerned. After all, Knives _was_ a bit lacking in his evil plotting lately...

FLASHBACK!

"FEAR!" Knives shouted from his dark corner of the room. Everyone jumped, looking around wildly. Knives then jumped on top of the bar, getting everyone's attention, and looking rather maniacal.

"I've just created a new weapon…a weapon that can rival the angel arm in strength, speed, and accuracy!" He shouted, grinning sadistically. Everyone looked alarmed.

"BEHOLD!" He yelled. He reached behind himself and pulled out…

…a fork. Or rather, a fork with a rubber band attached to the top.

Everyone stared at him in disbelief. O.o

"Um…Knives?" Meryl asked.

"WHAT, puny human! You are afraid, are you not? Come to ask for forgiveness? Mercy? Acceptance? HELP? YOU WON'T RECEIVE IT! WUAHAHAHA!" Knives shouted, now looking rather deranged.

"Uh no…it's just. Well. There's a…cat…sleeping on your…head…"

"…oh."

FLASHBACK DONE!

So, you can see why Meryl was rather…unafraid of him at the moment. Anywho.

"Millie. We need to figure out what's going on." Meryl said.

"You're right, Meryl. Besides, I can't find Mr.Wolfwood anywhere. Maybe Mr.Knives will know where he is." Millie said, smiling. Meryl shook her head, and together they walked off in search of Knives.

Deep in the dark corner of the room, Knives and Legato laughed to each other while Vash ate cookies. Wolfwood was still passed out on the floor.

"Quickly, Legato. Restrain him," Knives said, referring to the priest. Legato handcuffed Wolfwood to the wall.

"Now down to business," Knives said. "We need to figure out how to get Vash's gun from him. Or get him to join us in our evil crusade of ridding the bar of these fan girl creatures." Legato nodded.

They both thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought some more.

Finally…

"I've got it, Master Knives!" Legato yelled. Knives woke with a start.

"Got what?" he asked sleepily.

"Um…how to get…Vash's…gun from him…"

"Oh…..OH! Oh yes!" Knives yelled with realization. REALIZATION!

"Um. Just ask him for it."

"Legato…" Knives said. "That's…that's…THAT'S the stupidest idea I have EVER had the DISPLEASURE of hearing!" Knives glared at his henchman. Legato hung his head in shame.

"WAIT, Legato!" Knives yelled. I've got an idea!"

"Yes?"

"Why don't we just ASK him for his gun?"

"But I…I just…sai-"

"No need to praise me now, Legato."

"But, master, you're b-"

"Yes yes, I know I am brilliant!"

"Master, I was the one who said we shou-"

"Should have a party? Yes, we will. Later. To celebrate our triumph of triumphs!" Knives yelled. Legato just shook his head and gave up.

Knives walked over to his brother, who was still devouring cookies.

"Hey, Vash?"

"Yeah?" Vash said through mouthfuls of cookies. They were chocolate chip cookies.

"Can I have your gun?" Knives asked innocently. He seems to be doing that a lot lately.

"What for?" Vash asked suspiciously.

"I…uh…I wanna show Wolfwood that our guns are the same. He doesn't believe me."

"Oh. Ok, sure. Yeah. Go ahead." And with that Vash devoured the apparently never-ending supply of cookies.

And Knives laughed evilly. OH SO EVIILY!

"LEGATO! Send the…_invitations_." Knives ordered. Legato quickly did as he was told.

"Oh…this is gonna be good." Knives muttered to himself. SUDDENLY, Meryl and Millie jumped into his corner.

"NOT SO FAST KNIVES!" Meryl yelled. Knives looked at her innocently (yet again!)

"Yes, dear Meryl?"

"I heard what you're up to. And it ends now!"

"I don't think so, Meryl." Knives snapped his fingers and Kuro-neko jumped on top of Meryl's head,attacking her.

"AHHHHH CAT!" Meryl ran around in the background trying to get her off.

"Mr. Knives?" Millie asked.

"Uh…what?" Knives asked...back.

"Have you seen Mr. Wolfwood?"

"Oh…yes…he's over there." Knives said, pointing to Wolfwood, who was trying to pull his hand out of the handcuff.

"Mr. Wolfwood!" Millie cried, and started to go over to him.

"Wait!" Knives yelled. "Uh. Could you do me a favor first?"

"Sure, Mr. Knives!" Millie said happily.

"Just sit in this chair, and close your eyes, and count to thirty." Knives said, drawing a chair. Millie looked confused.

"I guess so, Mr. Knives."

Thirty seconds later

Millie was now tied to a chair next to Wolfwood, who was still trying to remove himself from the handcuffs. Meryl was in a cage with Kuro-neko, who meowed happily. Meryl muttered to herself about stupid interfering cats.

And Knives snickered to himself.

"I'm such a diabolical genius," he stated.

"Pfft. More like a lucky bastard," Meryl muttered from the cage. Knives glowered and snapped his fingers again.

"AHHHHH CAT!"

What will happen to the fangirls? Will Vash ever realize his brother is still the diabolically evil mastermind he's always been? Will Meryl, Wolfy, and Millie escape this predicament? WILL LEGATO GET THE INVITATIONS OUT IN TIME?

….stay tuned...

I already started the next chapter. A chapter you'll never see unless you review. :D

YAY!


	13. Telekinesis and WISCONSIN!

Didn't get as many reviews as I would've like last time. Let's remedy that. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun, but I do own the WORLD. (Not really, don't sue me.)

**Chapter Twelve: Telekinesis and Wisconsin!**

When we last left the scene, evil plans were being plotted. Villains were being villainous and heroes were being tied to chairs and walls…and such. Oh. And Legato was giving out invitations. Two sets of invitations, actually.

"Rai-Dei, this is from Master Knives," Legato said, handing him a plain white envelope. He was carrying a sack on his back full of letters and, for some odd reason….hotdogs.

"What is it?" Rai-Dei asked, starting to open it. Legato tackled him, letters and hotdogs flying everywhere.

"You fool! Don't open it here! It's a **_secret_**…." Legato whispered…loudly. "If you opened it here, you could unravel the plots of Master Knives…"

"Why can't you just say Knives' plans? You have to go all superior? You can't just be a henchman? You have to be the number one henchman, don't you? Don't you!" Rai-Dei practically screamed at the loveable telekinetic henchman.

"I…uh…I don't really know what to say…" Legato began uncomfortably.

"Well I do!" Rai-Dei yelled. "You've been like this ever since day one! You **always** have to be the best, just because you're telekinetic! Ooooh. Big DEAL! I have a sword! A sword that's also a GUN! You don't! It's not FAIR! **I** should be number one! And would you GET OFF OF ME!"

Legato jumped up, dusting himself off. He looked at Rai-Dei, his depressing look of utter sadness turning into a maniacal grin…of DOOM!

"Well, Rai-Dei, I'm sorry you feel that way," Legato said, staring at Rai-Dei and still grinning all creepy like. Suddenly Rai-Dei started to move by himself.

"Damn it, Legato! Stop it! Stop doing that! Hey! Don't make me put that tutu on! HEY don't make me jump in that barrel of honey! HEY! You better not make me dance around all embarrassing and what not!"

"Well, I didn't think of the dancing bit, but good idea," Legato smirked. And gathering his letters and hotdogs, he walked off to deliver more invitations while the enraged Rai-Dei danced around in a tutu, covered in honey.

"Damn it, Legato! I will have my revenge!" Legato, however, was too busy delivering invitations to care.

Back to the dark corner of the room…

"Knives, I finished the cookies," Vash said. He looked around and noticed (for the first time, mind you) Wolfwood handcuffed to the wall, Millie tied to a chair, and Meryl in a cage with Kuroneko.

"Hey…what's going on?" Vash asked. "And how long have that chair and that desk been there?" He was, of course, referring to the newly constructed leather chair and wooden desk ensemble sitting in front of him.

"I'm glad you asked, dear brother." The chair spun around slowly to reveal Knives sitting there, smirking evilly and…well, no, that's it.

"Knives!"

"Vash."

"Knives?"

"…Vash."

"KNIVES!"

"Vash, shut up."

"…sorry. What are you doing?"

"Well you see, oh brother of mine, I've taken your gun and I'm going to use both of our guns to rid this saloon of all the fangirls. And nothing you say or do can stop me!" Knives laughed maniacally.

"..is that all you were going to do?" Meryl asked, slightly annoyed.

"What do you mean 'all I was gonna do'. It's a great evil plan!" Knives said, annoyed at her…spidery-ness.

"Of course it is!" Wolfwood said. "Don't let us stop you. These fangirls are annoying."

"Yeah!"

"Yeah! Just do it!"

And so Wolfwood, Millie, and Meryl all started chanting 'do it' over and over again, and if anyone had walked in on the scene, it would've gotten awkward; questions would be asked and conclusions would be leapt to. It would've all been a messy business. BUT FORTUNATELY…

"Shut UP!" Knives yelled. "This is between Vash and me."

"I agree," Vash said. And together the two brothers walked off to discuss things.

BACK TO LEGATO!

Legato had delivered all the invitations except one. He gulped as he walked up to Sadie, knowing this could very well be his last breath of air. Kinda.

"M-master Knives wants you to have this…" He said. Cringing slightly, he handed her a black envelope. Sadie squealed in delight and hugged him around the neck profusely.

"Ok…ok let go….let goooo….you can let GO NOW!" Legato yelled. He made her go away with his mind. Well, he tried. But she clung to him anyway.

"What the…could you just let go?" Legato asked.

"Nope!" She grinned happily. Legato thought for a moment, then came up with an idea. Using his fun telekinesis again, he dragged Pyro over.

"Heeeey! Legato…I was just about to win a game of pin the tail on the Zazie!"

"And as amusing as that would've been, I've got more pressing matters for you to attend to."

"What's more important than that?"

"This," Legato said, pointing to the happy and slightly crazy fangirl. "Could you get this thing off of me? Please?" He asked, almost desperately. Almost. He has dignity, you know.

"I don't know…what's in it for me? Hmm?"

"…a…cookie?"

"Ok!" Suddenly, Sadie was at the bar and handcuffed to one of the seats, trying to figure out how the hell that happened. Legato shook his head.

"You are obviously unaware of the power you possess…"

"Nah. Power comes with heavy responsibility," Pyro said. "After all, if I wanted, I could do this." The lights suddenly flickered on and off and a high pitched voice made 'oooooh' noises.

"…um…Pyro.." Legato said. "I can see you at the light switch." The lights stopped flickering and the voice went away. Pyro walked back over to him.

"Yes, but I got to the light switch super fast. So fast you couldn't even see me."

"Not really. I saw you run over and trip on that chair…"

"…"

"…"

"…shut up and give me a cookie."

"Sure. Just come with me…" Legato said, in his creepy monotonous voice. And so the unsuspecting author followed the psycho to the corner of the room.

Speaking of the corner of the room….

"Vash, join me in my crusade to destroy the fangirls and take back what is rightfully ours!"

"The saloon is ours?"

"…well, no. BUT! I really don't want them here anymore…they're converting my henchmen into something…awful." Knives shuddered.

"…what could be worse than a Gung ho Gun?" Vash asked, obviously surprised by the statement of is lunatic brother.

Suddenly, Dominic and Midvalley tackled Knives to the ground. They both started shrieking in high-pitched voices and fighting over him.

"He's MINE!" Dominic screamed, pulling on Knives' arm. Midvalley tugged on his other arm screaming, "No, he's MINE!"

"I TOLD YOU TWO TO CUT IT OUT ALREADY!" Knives yelled, snapping his two henchmen out of their fangirl-ish tirade.

"Sorry, Master," they said in unison. And with that, they scampered off together.

"And you haven't even seen what's happened to Monev yet…" Knives said. Vash cowered in fear behind his brother.

"No! No more!" He yelled, shaking in what could only be assumed as fear, or perhaps it was the lack of donuts today. Either way, he was freaked out. "Why us? Why is this happening to us? These fangirls really DO have an influential evil over all of us! And…and why do they like **you** more than **me**?"

"Well Rem _did_ always say I got the looks in the family."

"No she didn't! She never said that! She called **me** handsome!"

"So? She said I was…wait. Who cares about the nonsensical dealings of that madwoman?"

"HEY! I love that madwoman!"

"Well that explains a lot…"

"What are you getting at?"

"Ohhh nothing," Knives said innocently. "That just explains your odd attraction to that wrathful spider…"

"Meryl?" Vash yelled. "I don't like Meryl…you….You're crazy!"

"So what? You're crazier!"

"Well _you're_ the craziest!"

"DAMN IT! I can't believe I fell for that again!…well, you like the spider!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

And so the brothers continued to bicker. Meanwhile…

"Hey Legato, this is a nice little setup you have here," Pyro said, spinning around on Knives' fun leather chair.

"Master Knives won't like that very much…"

"So?"

"Good point."

"Anywho. Gimme my cookies--"

"Cookie," he corrected.

"Right. Cookie." Pyro said, nodding. SUDDENLY! Legato grabbed a conveniently placed crowbar and clocked the author over the head. He stole her box of crazy sacred donuts and handcuffed her to the wall as well. Yes. They _do_ have a lot of handcuffs. And don't you go getting any creepy thoughts in your brain.

"I wonder where Master Knives is," Legato thought aloud, eating a donut.

Back to the bickering duo…

"Vash and Meryl, sitting in a tree…K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Shut UP!"

"First comes loooove, second comes marriaaage…"

"I'm WARNING you Knives!"

"Then comes--hurk!" Vash tackled Knives to the ground and began smacking him upside the skull with a conveniently placed Knives plushie. Apparently, it was some sort of irony, be it cruel or just sick and twisted. Suddenly, Legato pulled Vash off Knives, and a million incest-yaoi fans cried a little.

"Legato! Did you send all of the invitations?" Knives asked.

"What invitations?" Vash interjected.

"Yes, Master. Black to the fangirls...and I don't really think the males are fan_boys, _but they got black as well…and white to everyone else."

"What about fangirls?" Vash asked.

"Excellent!" Knives yelled.

"Guuuuys, what are you taaaaalking aboooout?" Vash whined. Knives and Legato glanced at each other.

"The fangirl thing I was talking to you about. Speaking of which, are you in or not?" Knives said, staring at his brother intently. Vash looked at Legato, then back at Knives.

"Yes."

"Really?" Knives asked, unable to believe what he had just heard.

"Yes. BUT!"

"But what?"

"You can't kill anyone," Vash said.

"Oh, I'm not going to," Knives said…back.

"Well then why do you need the angel arms?" Vash asked, perplexed.

"You see, I've modified the guns a bit. Instead of wiping them out, the blast will send them all to a specific destination.," Knives stated.

"How does _that _work?" Vash asked.

"Well you see, Vash, by taking the p--"

Somewhere in Chicago…

Pyro:NOW would be the perfect moment for an infomercial, or perhaps a presidential address, but I'm just not that cruel. I _want_ you to know how such a feat could be achieved. It's very important for you to understand this. If you are the only one who never knows the answer, then you'll miss out on so much in life. So yeah. Just letting you know that I care about you, the reader, a whole bunch, so I will NOT interrupt any important material. Ok. Read on.

Back to the story…

"--and that's how I achieved such specific transportation with the blast," Knives finished.

"Wow. That explains so much. I now know where you go when you die. And I understand the meaning of life!" Vash said, amazed.

"I know. I'm a genius," Knives smirked. The two brothers shook hands and put Knives' evil plot in motion, while Legato went off to decorate for the party.

And so, during the evening hours in the saloon...

The bar was full of streamers and fun balloons were floating everywhere. Zazie was in the corner, nursing his…bottom, and Legato was putting the finishing touches on the food. In fact, the decorations and food were so lovely, that no one noticed the cage hanging from the ceiling. And no, Sadie was not still handcuffed to a stool.

In fact, all the fangirls and boys-who-weren't-really-fanboys…that is SaZ, Sadie, TK, T9, Blu, Matt-kun, and Kat…were gathered in one corner of the room. All the villainous villains…that is all the gung ho guns…were in front of the bar with Legato. All of a sudden a bunch of smoke filled the door to the saloon. When the smoke cleared, Vash and Knives were standing side-by-side. Together they marched through the doorway, looking as if they were about to rain apocalyptic doom upon the doomed heads of the doomed people on the DOOMED planet.

…

DOOM!

Instead, however, they both jumped on top of the bar and addressed the crowd together.

"ATTENTION ALL," Knives yelled.

"We've gathered you here--" said Vash.

"--for a celebration of sorts," Knives finished.

"Ah. I see you've arranged yourselves--"

"--in the correct manner already."

"Excellent!" The twins said together. Everyone was slightly creeped out by this new and odd behavior. Knives pulled a rope that was hanging from the ceiling, and the cage fell on the group of fangirls and boys-who-weren't-really-fanboys.

"Crap!" yelled SaZ.

"Yeah. You think this would've been rather obvious," Blu commented.

"Well, the food and decorations _are_ pretty nice…" Kat said, nodding toward a four layer cake. Everyone nodded in agreement. Vash (who look kinda crazy at this point) jumped in front of the cage, pulling out his gun and standing in attack position.

"Prepare to meet your…your uh…" he turned to Knives. "…um…a little help here?..." Knives shook his head.

"Imminent doom?"

"IMMINENT DOOM!" Vash yelled. Then he stood and waited for his twin to say something. Knives sighed and sauntered over to his brother. He patted Vash's skull and addressed the group in the cage.

"You'll…have to forgive him. This is his first time trying the whole 'evil' thing." They all nodded casually. Knives pulled out his own gun and together, he and Vash triggered the mechanism for their angel arms.

In a flash of light and a huge sound blast, the fangirls and boys-who-weren't-really-fanboys were gone from the Gunsmoke Saloon.

In a galaxy far far away…

"HEY!" Kat yelled. "They sent us to Disney World!"

"Disney World?" SaZ asked. "Isn't that a bit…odd?"

"WHO CARES!" Sadie yelled. "Let's go on Space Mountain!" And so everyone ran over to Space Mountain. But it was broken down. In fact, every single ride was broken down.

"…no…NO! This must be…."

"You're right," said a random and kind of creepy park attendant. "This is…" Everyone stared in fear. "WISCONSIN! WAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Back in the Gunsmoke Saloon…

Everyone was partying happily, glad to finally be rid of the menace that made them all cringe and even cry a little.

"Hey Knivesy, pass me some of that random and generic-looking alcoholic beverage!" Vash yelled to his brother.

"Only if you take that stupid tie off your head! It doesn't even match!" Knives yelled back.

"You know, we've had a lot of fun here tonight," Legato said. "But I've got a strange feeling we've forgotten something…"

Back in the corner of the room…

"…I really have to pee," Wolfwood muttered.

"No one's STOPPING you priest-man!" Pyro yelled, cranky because of the lack of sugar in her diet.

"Ew. I'm stopping him," Meryl said, disgusted. Pyro rolled her eyes.

"Shut up, you!" She yelled, snapping her fingers. Kuroneko went crazy.

"AHHHHHHH CAT!"

Ok. That's anotherchapter finished!

I want reviews...could you really deny me reviews?

Pyro :D


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